Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
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Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I think they could have phrased this better
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey