me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold