[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
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Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
who wants to go expliring
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.