Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
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Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.