Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I put the hot in psychotic.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like