Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
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“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.