BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
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Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.