This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
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*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU