Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
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dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.