Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
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If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.