Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
This will never not be funny 😭
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine