I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
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that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I found your tweet-up…
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015