Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
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I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
thinking about a very short hotdog
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I hope it’s French Onion!
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.