You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
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Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!