Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
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Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.