Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
You Might Also Like
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
HR said no more nunchucks.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?