Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
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A family that plays together cheats.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.