God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
You Might Also Like
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
The French cow says MEUX…
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo