My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
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“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy