Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
You Might Also Like
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Me as a therapist: omg same
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.