ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
You Might Also Like
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!