@Smooheed: Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I've been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
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@KeetPotato: [inventing humans] god: "they should have complete control of their tongue" angel: "um ok" god: "let me finish.. except when using scissors"
@AmishPornStar1: Mechanic said I blew a seal... Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
@sarcasticmommy4: When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids. I know this now.
@imence2: "I'm sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she'll understand it's just for fun." Said a bunch of now single guys.