Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld