Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
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love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
we’re gonna need another temp
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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