Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
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Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created