Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
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People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.