Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
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You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
The “baby” on the left….
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.