Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
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Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.