A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
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When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?