@WhatsHerFace33: Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
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@daryl_licked: My girlfriend's daughter was laying across my legs. Me: What am I a pillow now? Her: Yep, and pillows don't talk. I think we're bonding.
@ParentNormal: I can't tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
@KeetPotato: would you like to come on our quiz show? you could win £2,000,000? [imagines spending the entire show standing up] "no thanks"