Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
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Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
😜
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’