@WhatsHerFace33: Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
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@mattsurely: Me: What do you call sex in December? Wife: Don't say it. Me: ... W: ... Me: Wintercourse. W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
@ibid78: 🎶 And I would walk 500 ft. and I would walk 500 more/ Just to be the man who stayed 1000 ft away as ordered by the court 🎶
@chuuew: [planning heist] Me: We'll need the element of surprise. Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I'm Ne
@skickwriter: Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere: You've been volunteered as a chaperone