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@WhatsHerFace33: Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
@Vodkantots: If he doesn't return your texts, it's because he's busy leaving his wife for you.
@murrman5: "so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?"
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
@wendchymes: Just caught a glimpse of myself naked -
Apologies in advance to my coroner
@Contwixt: If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that's on you. That is your bad.
@beersuds: Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…