Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
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the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously