1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
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No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.