Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
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teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Tastes like chicken.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”