The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
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For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?