Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
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When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,