Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
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Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
When you let grandma cat sit
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison