@ChipKellysBalls: Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle ...
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@Reverend_Scott: teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees class: OOOOH [opens hawk cage] class: AAAHHH [calls principal] RELEASE THE BEES
@ErrenMichaels: [a handsome man falls and cuts his hand] Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I'm too weak*
@LoveNLunchmeat: I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom... Then I discovered twitter.
@iAmDelFreaky: Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don't remember buying any of this stuff. Or having an Asian baby.