@ChipKellysBalls: Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle ...
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@ericsshadow: [flying remote control helicopter near my wife] GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY- [helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I'm a dead person]
@hazelmotes1: Me: my best friend is my wife Everyone: awwww My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE
@marinarachael: I don't know why we have three different pig emojis but it's great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching: 🐖 🐷 🐽
@Kyle_Lippert: If you look in your bathroom mirror & say "Donald Trump" 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.