Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”