Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
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“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.