[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
You Might Also Like
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.