@KenJennings: Bad news, the police just seized our German holiday bread. They said it was stollen. Folks, they said it was stollen.
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@hippieswordfish: joe: siri address me as poopyhead siri: okay poopyhead *obama enters* barack: joe have you seen my phone? joe: yep here *runs away giggling*
@markedly: [talking with ex] Me: Is he more boring than me? Her: He is. Me: *devastated* How could you?
@thatdutchperson: I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
@daemonic3: GOOD COP: He won't talk except in sign language BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent