@KenJennings: Bad news, the police just seized our German holiday bread. They said it was stollen. Folks, they said it was stollen.
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@PJTLynch: *wife sees me crying* Her: What's going on? Me: The kids gave me this *holds up Dad Is #1 mug* W: That's sweet H: Sweet? They think I'm pee!
@bea_ker: GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see EDVARD MUNCH: You look great GUY: Let me see EDVARD MUNCH: No
@hrtbps: Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler? Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.
@Michael1979: Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness *I slip him a twenty* T: They fail because you're great & everyone else is awful