I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
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I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.