Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
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Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.