Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
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As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Breaking news:
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”