BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
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My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes