BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
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I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
getting corrected
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master