@Scimommy: #BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it's at!
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@dubiousrhetoric: Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It's very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
@MrsMikePatton: God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I'm hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.
@SteveSuckington: [wife gets home & sees shit on the rug] What's this? "It was Rover he w.." *dog makes throat slice gesture* "It was me. I shit on the rug"