@TitansHomer: [High School Reunion] Him: I started my own Law Firm last year Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

@jergarl: My stages of awkward: Sober me: I don't know what to do with my hands Drunk me: I don't know what to do with my face High me: What face?

@shutupmikeginn: I lied and told someone, "I can't go to your party I have diarrhea." I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn't stopped me

@mochanya: I've always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

@SomthinBoutSara: Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"