@GrantTanaka: First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

@YuckyTom: a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

@qwertying: Daughter: Dad do Zombies exist? Dad: No dear they're people wearing lots of makeup. Daughter: Oh like mommy? Dad: Close enough.

@: she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini

@dmc1138: Me: "I updated the employee handbook like you asked." Boss: "This is just a book with pics of everyone's hands." Me: "Pretty cool, right?"