Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
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My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Wake me when AI does housework
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes