Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
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I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.