My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
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To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
We’re all getting idioter.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue