She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
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At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
*Seductively hides in the woods
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Rt to bother an English speaker
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.