[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
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My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My spirit animal is fried chicken
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?