I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
excuse me
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers